Thinking over, the things that you said...

Home sick from work reflecting on the year thus far. Its been pretty uneventful. Work, school and usual backstage antics are a foot as usual but for some reason, it all feels different this time around.

Actually no. It's not just "for some reason", I know exactly why this all feels wrong. Within the past few months, i was proposed to by a man I loved and offered a life any sane person would want. A life filled with security, love and respect. However, after deciding that I needed more time to live like a child I rejected and broke the heart of the only person thus far to really have my best interest in mind. So here I am; going to a school that bores me working towards a degree that is still a complete mystery to me, paying $600 a month to live in the house I grew up in and working a dead end job filled with air of pretention I didn't even know was possible for a coffee shop. I find myself thinking on an almost daily basis how my life would be different right now if i had said yes. Besides the absolutely obvious, what would a day in the life of an engaged me look like? Would I still be living here, or in New York? Or maybe he would've been able to convince me to move into his house in Maine. Would i still be working some stupid job in coffee, or would my new found confidence, the kind of confidence that comes from having the man you love propose to you, inspire me to do something daring in the field I love? I often picture myself in the housewife role, and while i imagine I would want to work for a few years first, I see myself loving all of the responsibilty. Who would I be talking to? Would I still talk to the people I grew up, and surrounded myself with for the whole of my life, or would I only be seen with a more mature, refined crowd closer to my beau's age? Everyday while I go through the motions in my mundane life, I am bombarded with these questions. Questions I am no closer to answering than I was a few months ago because I am still thinking and acting like a stupid child.

I haven't been writting. I haven't been singing. i haven't been drawing, or learning... or expanding. I haven't been doing any of the things I said I needed time to do before settling down. So, in the spirit of being

"the best me I can be"
i'm changing things up, and making a different set of moves for myself. I'd tell you what they were, but I have to keep some things a secret or you will get bored with me and move on to someone younger. I will leave you with this,

One day, I hope he will ask me again.

And when he does, I will jump into his arms

and prepare to live a new life of happiness

that I couldn't have imagined in my wildest dreams.

I hope that this day not only comes,

but that when it does I am a better,

more confident person

who believes that she is worthy of such

utopia.

Peace, love and the happiest of endings my darlings!

xoxo
Starshine

Salty leaves, Salty leaves...

She saw my comb over
Her hourglass body
She had problems with drinking milk and being school tardy.
She'll loan you her toothbrush
She'll bartend your party

One of those days. I don't want to talk about it.

Starshine

Its that time of year, leave all our hopelessness' aside...

So I just found a bunch of drawings from my past and realized that I have yet to share any of my art work with you. I will try to dedicate part of tomorrow to showing you what I have been up to and where I have come from artistically.

Its not super impressive, but its a huge part of who I am. Until tomorrow.

Peace, Love and Secret Masterpieces my darlings!

XOXO,

Starshine

I can feel the pressure, its getting closer now...

Sorry I have been gone for so long, I feel like such a loser when I go eons without posting. So let's just get this started. For those of you who don't know (although I really don't understand how this isn't common knowledge already), I pretty much live a life of deficiency. I'm not one of those Debbie Downers who cries about life all the time, I am just aware of my... Situation. Well anyway, being the Queen of all that is deficient, birthdays for me are usually a nightmare. In fact for the past few years I've tried to make them as small of a deal as possible but this year is a new year, a better year.

This year I have plans. Not necessarily good ones, but ones which will hopefully improve my mental health. I'm saying goodbye to school for at least a year during which time I plan on working and saving and doing absolutely nothing else so that I will hopefully be able to celebrate my 22nd birthday in my very own apartment.

This year for the big 21, I am road tripping it to FL with a friend for a week of... Let's call it sinister behavior.

Wish me luck! I'm so looking forward to this trip. Next order of business, some bitchin road trip mixtapes.

Any suggestions loves? Think about it. Get back to me. Talk to you soon!!!!

Peace, love, and Stellar Mixtapes my darlings!



XOXO,

Starshine

Where do you go when it gets dark? And is there room for me there?

Dear Michael Lezama,
I just want to let you know how amazing you are as a person. Today was one of the hardest days I've had in a while and you were most definitely the last person I ever thought would be able to help me make sense of it all, let alone relate to my daily struggles. However we really just had a two and a half hour long conversation about our individual lives and it seriously just changed my life. Its crazy to think that after our first real conversation I feel like I can tell you more than someone I've known for years. I value that more than you will ever know. You are so strong, genuine and open and it breaks my heart to know that people have treated you the way they have. Please know that I will always be here if and when you need me because in the last hour you have just been for lack of a better word, incredible. You listened to me when I went off on incomprehensible rants, made sense of my tangents and didn't judge me when I started crying like an asshole on my front steps. Most importantly, you trusted me. You trusted me with your secret loves, heartaches and dreams. You unloaded on me and let down the wall you put up for just about everyone and even though neither of us knew what to say at the end we had both said enough. I know that no matter what, I have you in my corner and that you have me in yours. All that matters is that I'm sorry and I'm here. No truer words have ever been spoken and you have never been as attractive to me as a person as you were when you said, "life is a cunt bitch but one day things will be better for us... They have to be". Thank you. I love you. And goodnight.

Peace, Love and unexpected heroes.

XOXO,

Starshine


Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

just try more love, if I just try more love...

I'll find myself in time.

Peace, Love and Harmony my darlings!

XOXO

Starshine
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Dream a little dream of me

I love when alleged best friends try to make you feel obsolete. Nice try but if we were ever really friends you would know I'm not expendable. Maybe we were never as close as we pretended to be. Currently listening to songs to love and die by, you'll be forgotten by the morning.

Peace, Love and Treachery my darlings!

XOXO

Starshine
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry