Actually no. It's not just "for some reason", I know exactly why this all feels wrong. Within the past few months, i was proposed to by a man I loved and offered a life any sane person would want. A life filled with security, love and respect. However, after deciding that I needed more time to live like a child I rejected and broke the heart of the only person thus far to really have my best interest in mind. So here I am; going to a school that bores me working towards a degree that is still a complete mystery to me, paying $600 a month to live in the house I grew up in and working a dead end job filled with air of pretention I didn't even know was possible for a coffee shop. I find myself thinking on an almost daily basis how my life would be different right now if i had said yes. Besides the absolutely obvious, what would a day in the life of an engaged me look like? Would I still be living here, or in New York? Or maybe he would've been able to convince me to move into his house in Maine. Would i still be working some stupid job in coffee, or would my new found confidence, the kind of confidence that comes from having the man you love propose to you, inspire me to do something daring in the field I love? I often picture myself in the housewife role, and while i imagine I would want to work for a few years first, I see myself loving all of the responsibilty. Who would I be talking to? Would I still talk to the people I grew up, and surrounded myself with for the whole of my life, or would I only be seen with a more mature, refined crowd closer to my beau's age? Everyday while I go through the motions in my mundane life, I am bombarded with these questions. Questions I am no closer to answering than I was a few months ago because I am still thinking and acting like a stupid child.
I haven't been writting. I haven't been singing. i haven't been drawing, or learning... or expanding. I haven't been doing any of the things I said I needed time to do before settling down. So, in the spirit of being
"the best me I can be"
i'm changing things up, and making a different set of moves for myself. I'd tell you what they were, but I have to keep some things a secret or you will get bored with me and move on to someone younger. I will leave you with this,
One day, I hope he will ask me again.
And when he does, I will jump into his arms
and prepare to live a new life of happiness
that I couldn't have imagined in my wildest dreams.
I hope that this day not only comes,
but that when it does I am a better,
more confident person
who believes that she is worthy of such
utopia.
Peace, love and the happiest of endings my darlings!
xoxo
Starshine
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